Episode Transcript
Through the Looking Glass
“Prince Prigio,” Part 1
ANNNOUNCERLAND
ANNOUNCER
Jabberwocky Audio Theater presents “Prince Prigio,” by Andrew Lang, part one of six.
EPISODE 1 PROPER
NARRATOR
Thank you, thank you. Now, Andrew Lang, as many of you listeners are aware, was the editor of hundreds of fairy tales, which, as you’ll hear, clearly influenced this tale, “Prince Prigio,” which he wrote in eighteen eighty-nine.
(BEAT)
So since we want this to be a reasonably faithful adaptation, I should say this tale is dedicated to Alma, Thyra, Edith, Rosalind, Norna, Cecily, and Violet. Further, I need to proceed with an assumption. You see, the author assumed he was telling this tale to children. Now, owing to the particulars of how radios work, I cannot tell whether or not you are, in fact, children. Too many grown-ups, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, tend to get quite upset when things get too silly, preferring instead to complain about their joints or comment on their annuity, whatever that is. So, please promise me that you, listening right now, are children — or at least children at heart — because otherwise what I am about to tell you would seem wholly improper. Good? Good!
(BEAT)
The Author of this tale is also the Editor of the Blue, Red, Green and Yellow Fairy Books. He has always felt rather an impostor, because so many children seem to think that he made up these books out of his own head. Now he only picked up a great many old fairy tales, told in French, German, Greek, Chinese, Hindi, Russian, and other languages, and had them translated and printed, with pictures. He is glad that children like them, but he must confess that they should be grateful to old forgotten people, long ago, who first invented these tales, and who knew more about fairies than we can hope to do.
(BEAT)
“Prince Prigio,” the tale you are about to hear, was made up altogether out of the head of the Author… of course with the help of the Historical Papers in the kingdom of Pantouflia. About that ancient kingdom very little is known. The natives speak German; but the Royal Family, as usual, was of foreign origin. Just as England has had Norman, Scottish, and, at present, a line of German monarchs, so the kings of Pantouflia are descended from an old Greek family, the Hypnotidæ, who came to Pantouflia during the Crusades. They wanted, they explained, not to be troubled with the Crusades, which they thought very injudicious and tiresome.
(BEAT)
The Crest of the regal house is a Dormouse, dormant, proper, on a field vert, and the Motto, when translated out of the original Greek, means, Anything for a Quiet Life.
(BEAT)
It may surprise the young reader that princes like Prigio, whose feet were ever in the stirrup, and whose lances were always in rest, should have descended from the family of the Hypnotidæ, who were remarkably lazy and peaceful. But these heroes doubtless inherited the spirit of their great ancestress, whose story is necessary to be known. On leaving his native realm during the Crusades, in search of some secure asylum, the founder of the Pantouflian monarchy landed in the island of Cyprus, where, during the noon-tide heat, he lay down to sleep in a cave. Now in this cave dwelt a dragon of enormous size and unamiable character. What was the horror of the exiled prince when he was aroused from slumber by the fiery breath of the dragon, and felt its scaly coils about him!
PRINCE OF OLD
Oh, hang your practical jokes!
NARRATOR
exclaimed the prince, imagining that some of his courtiers were playing a prank on him.
DRAGON
Do you call this a joke?
NARRATOR
asked the dragon, twisting its forked tail into a line with his royal highness’s eye.
PRINCE OF OLD
Do take that thing away,
NARRATOR
said the prince,
PRINCE OF OLD
and let a man have his nap peacefully.
DRAGON
Kiss me!
NARRATOR
cried the dragon, which had already devoured many gallant knights for declining to kiss it.
PRINCE OF OLD
Give you a kiss…?
NARRATOR
murmured the prince;
PRINCE OF OLD
oh, certainly, if that’s all! Anything for a quiet life.
NARRATOR
So saying, he kissed the dragon, which instantly became a most beautiful princess; for she had lain enchanted as a dragon, by a wicked magician, till somebody should be bold enough to kiss her.
DRAGON
My love! my hero! my lord! how long I have waited for thee; and now I am eternally thine own!
NARRATOR
So murmured, in the most affectionate accents, the Lady Dragonissa, as she was now called. Though wedded to a bachelor life, the prince was much too well-bred to make any remonstrance. The Lady Dragonissa, a female of extraordinary spirit, energy, and ambition, took command of him and of his followers, conducted them up the Danube, seized a principality whose lord had gone crusading, set her husband on the throne, and became in course of time the mother of a little prince, who, again, was great, great, great, great-grandfather of our Prince Prigio.
(BEAT)
From this adventurous Lady Dragonissa, Prince Prigio derived his character for gallantry. But her husband, it is said, was often heard to remark, by a slight change of his family motto:
PRINCE OF OLD
Anything for a Quiet Wife!
NARRATOR
You now know as much as the Author does of the early history of Pantouflia. As to the story called The Gold of Fairnilee, such adventures were extremely common in Scotland long ago, as may be read in many of the works of Sir Walter Scott and of the learned in general. Indeed, Fairnilee is the very place where the fairy queen appointed to meet her lover, Thomas the Rhymer. With these explanations, the Author leaves to the judgment of young listeners of this tale.
(BEAT)
What’s that? They don’t know all that back story? Okay… Ah, we are not quite ready for that tale as yet, for the author has insisted on a certain exactitude in naming sources, which some of our more scholarly young listeners may insist upon. So, ahem… Preface… In compiling the following History from the Archives of Pantouflia, the Editor has incurred several obligations to the Learned. The Return of Benson (in chapter twelve) is the fruit of the research of the late Mr. Allen Quatermain, while the final wish of Prince Prigio was suggested by the invention or erudition of a Lady. A study of the Firedrake in South Africa, where he is called the Nanaboulélé, a difficult word, has been published in French (translated from the Basuto language) by M. Paul Sébillot, in the Revue des Traditione Populaires. For the Rémora, the Editor is indebted to the Voyage à la Lune of M. Cyrano de Bergérac.
(BEAT)
Right. I believe that’s everything. Let’s get started.
MUSIC: TRIUMPHAL/BEGINNING CUE
CHAPTER ONE
NARRATOR
Chapter One: How the Fairies Were Not Invited to Court
(BEAT)
Once upon a time there reigned in Pantouflia a king and a queen. With almost everything else to make them happy, they wanted one thing: they had no children. This vexed the king even more than the queen, who was very clever and learned. In fact, the queen hated dolls when she was a child. However, she too, in spite of all the books she read and all the pictures she painted, would have been glad enough to be the mother of a little prince. The king was anxious to consult the fairies, but the queen would not hear of such a thing. She did not believe in fairies: she said that they had never existed; and that she maintained, though The History of the Royal Family was full of chapters about nothing else.
SOUND: BABY’S CRY
MUSIC: HAPPY BABY MUSIC CUE
NARRATOR
Well, at long and at last they had a little boy, who was generally regarded as the finest baby that had ever been seen. Even her majesty herself remarked that, even accounting for a certain maternal favoritism, he certainly was a fine child — a very fine child. The courtiers all agreed.
COURTIER ONE
Yes.
COURTIER TWO
Very fine.
COURTIER THREE
Yes.
COURTIER FOUR
Oh yes.
COURTIER FIVE
Fine indeed.
COURTIER SIX
Agreed.
COURTIER SEVEN
Quite so.
NARRATOR
Now, the time drew near for the christening party, and the king and queen were sitting at breakfast in their summer parlour talking over it. It was a splendid room, hung with portraits of the royal ancestors. There was Cinderella, the grandmother of the reigning monarch, with her little foot in her glass slipper thrust out before her.
(BEAT)
There was the Marquis de Carabas, who, as everyone knows, was raised to the throne as prince consort after his marriage with the daughter of the king of the period. On the arm of the throne was seated his celebrated cat, wearing boots. There, too, was a portrait of a beautiful lady, sound asleep: this was Madame La Belle au Bois-dormant, also an ancestress of the royal family. Many other pictures of celebrated persons were hanging on the walls.
KING GROGNIO
You have asked all the right people, my dear?
NARRATOR
said the king.
THE QUEEN
Everyone who should be asked,
NARRATOR
answered the queen.
KING GROGNIO
People are so touchy on these occasions,
NARRATOR
said his majesty.
KING GROGNIO
You have not forgotten any of our aunts?
THE QUEEN
No; the old cats!
NARRATOR
replied the queen; for the king’s aunts were old-fashioned, and did not approve of her, and she knew it.
KING GROGNIO
They are very kind old ladies in their way,
NARRATOR
said the king;
KING GROGNIO
and were nice to me when I was a boy.
NARRATOR
Then he waited a little, and remarked:
KING GROGNIO
The fairies, of course, you have invited? It has always been usual, in our family, on an occasion like this; and I think we have neglected them a little of late.
THE QUEEN
How can you be so absurd?
NARRATOR
cried the queen.
THE QUEEN
How often must I tell you that there are no fairies? And even if there were — but, no matter; pray let us drop the subject.
KING GROGNIO
They are very old friends of our family, my dear, that’s all,
NARRATOR
said the king timidly.
KING GROGNIO
Often and often they have been godmothers to us. One, in particular, was most kind and most serviceable to Cinderella the First, my own grandmother.
THE QUEEN
Your grandmother!
NARRATOR
interrupted her majesty.
THE QUEEN
Fiddle-de-dee! If anyone puts such nonsense into the head of my little Prigio —
NARRATOR
But here the baby was brought in by the nurse, and the queen almost devoured him with kisses.
(BEAT)
And so the fairies were not invited! It was an extraordinary thing, but none of the nobles could come to the christening party when they learned that the fairies had not been asked.
(BEAT)
Some were abroad; several were ill; a few were in prison among the Saracens; others were captives in the dens of ogres. The end of it was that the king and queen had to sit down alone, one at each end of a very long table, arrayed with plates and glasses for a hundred guests — for a hundred guests who never came!
KING GROGNIO
Any soup, my dear?
NARRATOR
shouted the king, through a speaking-trumpet; when, suddenly, the air was filled with a sound like the rustling of the wings of birds.
(BEAT)
Flitter, flitter, flutter, went the noise; and when the queen looked up, lo and behold! on every seat was a lovely fairy, dressed in green, each with a most interesting-looking parcel in her hand. Don’t you like opening parcels? The king did, and he was most friendly and polite to the fairies. But the queen, though she saw them distinctly, took no notice of them. You see, she did not believe in fairies, nor in her own eyes, when she saw them. So she talked across the fairies to the king, just as if they had not been there; but the king behaved as politely as if they were real — which, of course, they were.
(BEAT)
When dinner was over, and when the nurse had brought in the baby, all the fairies gave him the most magnificent presents. One offered a purse which could never be empty; and one a pair of seven-leagued boots; and another a cap of darkness, that nobody might see the prince when he put it on; and another a wishing-cap; and another a carpet, on which, when he sat, he was carried wherever he wished to find himself. Another made him beautiful for ever; and another, brave; and another, lucky: but the last fairy of all, a cross old thing, crept up and said,
THE LAST FAIRY OF ALL
My child, you shall be too clever!
NARRATOR
This fairy’s gift would have pleased the queen, if she had believed in it, more than anything else, because she was so clever herself. But she took no notice at all; and the fairies went each to her own country, and none of them stayed there at the palace, where nobody believed in them, except the king, a little.
(BEAT)
But the queen tossed all their nice boots and caps, carpets, purses, swords, and all, away into a dark lumber-room; for, of course, she thought that they were all nonsense, and merely old rubbish out of books, or pantomime “properties.”
MUSIC: NEW CHAPTER MUSIC CUE
CHAPTER TWO
NARRATOR
Chapter Two: Prince Prigio and His Family
(BEAT)
Well, the little prince grew up.
(BEAT)
I think I’ve told you that his name was Prigio — did I not? Well, that was his name.
(BEAT)
You cannot think how clever he was.
(BEAT)
He argued with his nurse as soon as he could speak, which was very soon. He argued that he did not like to be washed, because the soap got into his eyes. However, when he was told all about the pores of the skin, and how they could not be healthy if he was not washed, he at once ceased to resist, for he was very reasonable.
(BEAT)
He argued with his father that he did not see why there should be kings who were rich, while beggars were poor; and why the king — who was a little greedy — should have poached eggs and plum-cake at afternoon tea, while many other persons went without dinner. The king was so surprised and hurt at these remarks that he boxed the prince’s ears, saying,
KING GROGNIO
I’ll teach you to be too clever, my lad.
NARRATOR
Then he remembered the awful curse of the oldest fairy, and was sorry for the rudeness of the queen. And when the prince, after having his ears boxed, mentioned that force was no argument, the king went away in a rage.
(BEAT)
Indeed, I cannot tell you how the prince was hated by all!
(BEAT)
He would go down into the kitchen, and show the cook how to make soup. He would visit the poor people’s cottage, and teach them how to make the beds, and how to make plum pudding out of turnip-tops, and venison cutlets out of rusty bacon. He showed the fencing-master how to fence, and the professional cricketer how to bowl, and instructed the rat-catcher in breeding terriers. He set sums to the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and assured the Astronomer Royal that the sun does not go round the earth — which, for my part, I believe it does.
(BEAT)
The young ladies of the court disliked dancing with him, in spite of his good looks, because he was always asking,
PRINCE PRIGIO
Have you read this?
NARRATOR
and
PRINCE PRIGIO
Have you read that?
NARRATOR
— and when they said they hadn’t, he sneered; and when they said they had, he found them out.
(BEAT)
He found out all his tutors and masters in the same horrid way; correcting the accent of his French teacher, and trying to get his German tutor not to eat peas with his knife. He also endeavoured to teach the queen-dowager, his grandmother, an art with which she had long been perfectly familiar!
(BEAT)
In fact, he knew everything better than anybody else; and the worst of it was that he did: and he never was in the wrong, and he always said,
PRINCE PRIGIO
Didn’t I tell you so?
NARRATOR
And, what was more, he had!
(BEAT)
As time went on, Prince Prigio had two younger brothers, whom everybody liked: They were not a bit clever, but jolly.
(BEAT)
Prince Alphonso, the third son, was round, fat, good-humoured, and as brave as a lion. Prince Enrico, the second, was tall, thin, and a
THE QUEEN
little sad, but never too clever.
NARRATOR
Both were in love with two with their own cousins (with the approval of their dear parents); and all the world said,
ALL THE WORLD
(SIMULTANEOUS)
What nice, unaffected princes they are!
NARRATOR
But Prigio nearly got the country into several wars by being too clever for the foreign ambassadors.
(BEAT)
Now, as Pantouflia was a rich, lazy country, which hated fighting, this was very unpleasant, and did not make people love Prince Prigio any better.
MUSIC: NEW CHAPTER MUSIC CUE
CHAPTER THREE
NARRATOR
Chapter Three: About the Firedrake
(BEAT)
Of all the people who did not like Prigio, his own dear papa, King Grognio, disliked him most. For the king knew he was not clever himself. When he was in the counting-house, counting out his money, and when he happened to say
KING GROGNIO
Sixteen shillings and fourteen and twopence are three pounds, fifteen,
NARRATOR
it made him wild to hear Prigio whisper,
PRINCE PRIGIO
One pound, ten and twopence,
NARRATOR
— which, of course, it is.
(BEAT)
And the king was afraid that Prigio would conspire, and get made king himself–which was the last thing Prigio really wanted. He much preferred to idle about, and know everything without seeming to take any trouble.
(BEAT)
Well, the king thought and thought. How was he to get Prigio out of the way, and make Enrico or Alphonso his successor? He read in books about it; and all the books showed that, if a king sent his three sons to do anything, it was always the youngest who did it, and got the crown. And he wished he had the chance.
(BEAT)
Well, it arrived at last. There was a very hot summer! It began to be hot in March. All the rivers were dried up. The grass did not grow. The corn did not grow. The thermometers exploded with heat. The barometers stood at Set Fair. The people were much distressed, and came and broke the palace windows — as they usually do when things go wrong in Pantouflia.
(BEAT)
The king consulted the learned men about the Court, who told him that probably a FIREDRAKE was in the neighbourhood.
(BEAT)
Now, the Firedrake is a beast, or bird, about the bigness of an elephant. Its body is made of iron, and it is always red-hot. A more terrible and cruel beast cannot be imagined; for, if you go near it, you are at once broiled by the Firedrake. But the king was not ill-pleased:
KING GROGNIO
for,
NARRATOR
thought he,
KING GROGNIO
of course my three sons must go after the brute, the eldest first; and, as usual, it will kill the first two, and be beaten by the youngest. It is a little hard on Enrico, poor boy; but anything to get rid of that Prigio!
NARRATOR
Then the king went to Prigio, and said that his country was in danger, and that he was determined to leave the crown to whichever of them would bring him the horns (for it has horns) and tail of the Firedrake.
KING GROGNIO
It is an awkward brute to tackle,
NARRATOR
the king said,
KING GROGNIO
but you are the oldest, my lad; go where glory waits you! Put on your armour, and be off with you!
NARRATOR
This the king said, hoping that either the Firedrake would roast Prince Prigio alive (which he could easily do, as I have said; for he is all over as hot as a red-hot poker), or that, if the prince succeeded, at least his country would be freed from the monster. But the prince, who was lying on the sofa doing sums in compound division, for fun, said in the politest way:
PRINCE PRIGIO
Thanks to the education your majesty has given me, I have learned that the Firedrake, like the siren, the fairy, and so forth, is a fabulous animal which does not exist. But even granting, for the sake of argument, that there is a Firedrake, your majesty is well aware that there is no kind of use in sending me. It is always the eldest son who goes out first, and comes to grief on these occasions, and it is always the third son that succeeds. Send Alphonso
NARRATOR
(This was the youngest brother),
PRINCE PRIGIO
and he will do the trick at once. At least, if he fails, it will be most unusual, and Enrico can try his luck.
NARRATOR
Well, I would very much like to tell you what the King’s response was to this… and what the Prince’s response was to that, but it appears we have run out of time — and not even at a neat and tidy end of a chapter either! Alas, there’s nothing for it, so we’ll have to continue next week.
(PAUSE)
I think there should be music here. Should there be music?
MUSIC: CREDITS MUSIC CUE BEGINS
NARRATOR
Oh good. Thank you.
ANNOUNCERLAND
ANNOUNCER
You’ve been listening to Jabberwocky Audio Theater. Today’s presentation: “Prince Prigio,” part one of six.
(BEAT)
The story was written by Andrew Lang and lightly adapted for radio by Bjorn Munson. This program has been produced by Jabberwocky Audio Theater, in association with WERA-LP: Radio Arlington, ninety-six point seven FM, Arlington,Virginia.
(BEAT)
Featured in the cast were Bjorn Munson as the narrator, Kevin Murray as King Grognio, Mary Lechter as the Queen, Nick DePinto as Prince Prigio, Francis Abbey as the Prince of Old, Tara Garwood as the Dragon, and Elizabeth Farrington as the Last Fairy of all, with additional voices from Francis Abbey, Mike Bernal, William R. Coughlan, Kim Davenport, Elizabeth Farrington, Tara Garwood, Bjorn Munson, Joel Snyder, and Brooks Tegler.
(BEAT)
Recorded at Tulgey Wood Studios in Deepest Springfield with supplemental recording in many other places. See our show notes on Jabber Audio dot com for details. There, you’ll also find our latest episodes and enough information to satisfy a prince.
PRINCE PRIGIO
Really? I’m going to check this out.
ANNOUNCER
Good. I think.
(BEAT)
Dialogue editing by Maurice Malde with sound editing and final mixing by William R. Coughlan. Postproduction services provided by Tohubohu Productions, LLC.
(BEAT)
If you’re enjoying “Prince Prigio” and the other yarns we spin at Jabberwocky Audio Theater, be sure to subscribe, rate and review us on Apple Podcasts or your podcast provider of choice. Check out our Patreon page at Patreon dot com slash Team Jabberwocky for exclusive content, and to help us continue to bring you further tales of silliness, suspense, and high adventure.
(BEAT)
Until next time, this is Kim Davenport, saying thanks for listening… and tune in next week for part two of “Prince Prigio”!
MUSIC: CREDITS MUSIC CUE ENDS
Adaptation © Bjorn Munson, under license to Jabberwocky Audio Theater. All rights reserved. Reprinted with permission.